Dealing with a Frenemy and Other Toxic Relationships

No relationship is perfect. And while it’s true that “it takes two to tango,” sometimes the chemistry between two people makes for a very unpleasant mixture.

So what exactly is a toxic relationship? I suppose it can be defined as the opposite of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, there is normally a level playing field with a certain amount of give-and-take from both sides; the best relationships stimulate growth and allow both people to nurture and strengthen the bond. A toxic relationship is often one-sided and leaves both people feeling drained, unsatisfied or insecure. (While some toxic relationships are also abusive relationships, for the purposes of this article I am only referring to toxic relationships).

Most of us are busy balancing work, family, friends and extracurricular activities—do you really want to spend your precious free time with someone who makes you feel less than adequate, angry or annoyed? Life is much too short for that. While every relationship requires work, there comes a time when you have to stop and think about whether the relationship is worth salvaging and pinpoint where it is going wrong.

While it is not always possible or advisable to completely cut some people out of your life, you may find solace in determining whether anyone you know fits into one (or heaven forbid, more than one) of the following five categories. While you’re at it, you can also engage in some self-reflection to see if you can identify and modify any of your own negative behaviours.

Here are 5 classic characters from toxic relationships I’ve been in, or have observed:

1. The Frenemy
2. The Flake
3. The One-Upper
4. The Copy-Cat
5. The Narcissist

The Frenemy

Description: Just as the name implies, this two-faced creature is part friend, part enemy. On good days, the two of you get along splendidly and at times can feel just like bossom buddies. However, before long, something triggers a sleeping dragon within the Frenemy and out comes a blast of nastiness. This “blast” can take many forms including deceit, back-stabbing and jealousy.

How to protect yourself: Keep your friends close, but your Frenemy even closer. Actually, the best way is to stay on good terms with the Frenemy and provide the illusion of closeness without revealing too many personal details that may be used against you during rough patches. And always, always watch your back to be prepared for the next blast.

If you want to save this relationship: Try having a heart-to-heart. A girlfriend of mine (I’ll call Clara) was having difficulties with her best friend. Her friend started displaying some Frenemy tendencies like telling Clara’s boyfriend about the guys at school/work that Clara mentioned were “cute” and saying snarky remarks about the attractiveness of her boyfriend. Finally Clara confronted the Frenemy and they battled it out. Turns out that the Frenemy was feeling left out as Clara had recently been hanging out with new friends. It’s funny how the scenarios from our playground days still play out in our adult lives. Now the two of them are stronger than ever.

If you want to get out: This is a tricky situation as you will most likely have conflicted feelings about this person. You will miss the good times, but the bad moments may outweigh the positives. Try the fading out technique. Don’t make plans to get together with him/her. When the Frenemy asks you to hang out, just say that you are busy. This is a person you may periodically want to stay in touch with, but the blasts of nastiness may be too much to handle on a frequent basis.

The Flake

Description: You make plans with this person. They accept. They are ridiculously late or don’t show up. You get angry. The Flake lives in a dimension where time does not exist and deadlines do not matter. In their world, decisions can be made another day and commitments are arbitrary.

How to protect yourself: It’s silly how people get stuck in the same pattern. I have a friend who falls under this category and I used to always get upset or frustrated when she would show up late or cancel at the last minute. Now, why I didn’t learn earlier, I don’t know. The trick to protecting yourself is simple—don’t get your hopes up! If you make plans, expect that they will fall through and make a back-up plan. If you don’t get your hopes up and if your flakey friend actually shows up, it is a pleasant surprise.

If you want to save this relationship: It is very difficult to change a Flake. Even for important occasions or ceremonies such as weddings, they often are unreliable and make empty promises that they will show up on-time. I found that the best way to cope with a Flake is to relax and just accept them for who they are (flaws and all). I have an aunt who is always notoriously late for family gatherings so we decided to be proactive about it. Instead of telling her the actual meeting time, we would tell her to meet an hour earlier. It worked…until she caught on.

If you want to get out: Pull a trick out of the Flake handbook and execute it. A relationship can’t last with flakiness from both sides.

The One-Upper

Description: Never content to settle for anything less than the best, the One-Upper has a serious inferiority complex. Why else would they feel the need to constantly beat you at everything?

You: “I had the best weekend. I went fishing and caught this huge trout.”
The One-Upper: “Oh that’s cool. One time I went fishing and I caught 3 ginormous trout.”

How to protect yourself: Breathe. Just breathe. Don’t let the One-Upper get under your skin. Take comfort in knowing that you will never be able to “beat” this person at anything, and why would you care to? You can take it as a compliment that this person views you as some sort of competition and holds you and your accomplishments as a measuring stick.

If you want to save this relationship: When spending time together, try to avoid competitive sports or activities. If this person continues to try to one-up you, try some positive reinforcement such as, “Well, I’m not surprised that you caught 3 fish – I heard you are a good fisherman.” If this still does not work, you may need to confront them about this.

If you want to get out: You could be a jerk and call them on their fabrications. Try something like, “Oh, you caught 3 ginourmous trout? When did you go fishing? Last time I checked, you said you had never gone fishing in your life.”

The Copy-Cat

Description: Similar to the One-Upper, the Copy-cat also is insecure. People say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but the Copy-cat takes it to another level. Nothing is off limits for this mimicker – from style and music, to dining preferences and even career choices. What was once flattering is now irritating.

How to protect yourself: This is difficult as you can’t exactly stop being yourself. This may be one of those times when you might need to just grin and bear it. Keep in mind that other people can detect a phony a mile away, and that the imitation version of you does not come close to touching the original.

If you want to save this relationship: Since the Copy-cat suffers from a lack of self-confidence, you may need to help this person establish their own identity. Encourage this person to develop different interests; take them shopping and find clothes that suit them (not you). Chances are, since the Copy-cat holds you in such high esteem, they would likely take your advice.

If you want to get out: Luckily I’ve only been exposed to mild forms of the Copy-cat who merely duplicated my haircut and bought the same shirts. I’ve heard of more abrasive types of the Copy-cat who not only mimicked everything but were also One-Uppers. In this case, get the heck out of the relationship. Stop returning phone calls. Eventually the Copy-cat will find another target to leech off of.

The Narcissist

Description: Me, myself and I are the three most important words for the Narcissist. Self-centered, absorbed and often manipulative, the Narcissist has an over-inflated ego while at the same time requires constant validation. There are various forms of narcissism from the mild, to the severely ill.

How to protect yourself: Unfortunately you can’t change a Narcissist; the best way to protect yourself is to limit your contact as much as possible.

If you want to save this relationship: Try to understand where this person is coming from. Did something happen in this person’s life to bring out their narcissistic tendencies? Empathy may soften your negative feelings towards this character.

If you want to get out: For those with a narcissistic parent or boss, I feel for you. Their manipulative and controlling behaviour is often too much to handle and you may need to simply distance yourself from them. Since the Narcisisst requires a lot of attention and validation, ignoring them (or not taking their bait) is the path to maintaining your sanity. Hopefully they will move onto another person who is willing to fulfill their needs.