My Big Fat Interracial Wedding

After “Yes”

Congrats! You’ve found the man or woman of your dreams and you’ve decided to get married. As the first major test of your relationship, you need to plan your wedding day. As two unique individuals from different backgrounds, it’s no wonder couples often bicker about how they want to spend their big day. Add into the equation the expectations of family and friends and you’ve got yourself an interesting show. Now if you happen to be marrying someone of a different race, culture or ethnicity, get ready for one crazy ride.

An interracial marriage often takes extra work. But the interracial couples I know who have overcome cultural differences have rock-solid relationships. Here is how I survived my big fat Chinese-Italian wedding.

The Circus Begins

Most women have the preconceived notion that their wedding day is all about them. Silly women. As a newlywed, I can tell you from experience that the day is really about your parents. And yes, while the focus of your big day is on celebrating you and the love of your life, a wedding is also the culmination of the friends and family that have been a part of the tapestry of your life so far.

When I first started planning my wedding I had envisioned a small intimate affair in an outdoor venue—either in a beautiful garden or by the beach. My fiancé wanted to have the wedding in his hometown which is a three hour drive from our current home. My dream of an outdoor wedding quickly vanished when my mother pointed out that I had to invite my extended family and a few of her close friends which added another 100+ guests to the invite list. She did not want the wedding out of town as she was afraid many guests would not want to make the extra trek. Somehow we ended up having our wedding at a church with a reception at a fancy hotel with about 200 guests.

Seeing as my parents were contributing financially to the wedding, my mom’s word had some bearing. My mom also pointed out that if I had my wedding out of town, my dear grandparents probably wouldn’t make it for the long trip. My wedding just wouldn’t seem right without my grandma present as she played a pivotal role in raising me.

I got over the initial disappointment by remembering the point of the wedding in the first place—the celebration of the joining of two lives (someone picked me!)—and tried not to get caught up in frivolous things such as the colour of the favor boxes. I also realized the reason behind my mother wanting to invite these people; it was a cultural thing. In Chinese tradition, it’s customary to invite 400-500 guests to a wedding.  This leads me to my first tip in planning an interracial wedding:

Educate Yourself About the Other Culture

In my case, it was more like educate myself about my own Chinese culture. Being someone of the “first-generation”, my immigrant parents tried to bring me up in a modern home while retaining some cultural values. However, many of the nuances and traditions of the Chinese culture fell to the wayside as our family became more westernized.

So imagine my (and my Italian fiancé’s) surprise when we learned our wedding date had to fall on a “lucky” day. The day we initially wanted was deemed to be very unlucky, so we had to go with a lucky day which happened to inconveniently fall on a Friday. We found out later that the specific date our wedding would fall on what is supposed to provide “everlasting prosperity.”

Be Open

Luckily my fiancé’s family was very open to the idea of infusing some Oriental aspects into the wedding. They were even disappointed when I didn’t want to have the traditional 12-course meal at a Chinese restaurant. I, on the other hand had to be open to having a host bar at the wedding. If anyone has seen an Asian person drink alcohol, you’ll know that one or two drinks will make their face turn tomato red and that a couple of drinks will be more than enough.

Many of the Asian weddings I’ve attended did not have an open bar; however I quickly learned that it was very important to my fiancé’s family to buy a drink or two (or five) for their guests. After initially refusing to have an open bar my fiancé and I finally gave in. We just wanted to monitor the alcohol consumption so guests didn’t get too intoxicated.

Be Prepared to Compromise

Since compromise in a marriage is like flour to a cake, you might as well get used to it now. We had to compromise on almost everything: my mom wanted around 300 guests, we wanted 100 – we ended up with a guest list of 200. In western culture, the bride’s parents traditionally pay the bill; in Chinese culture the groom’s family usually pays – we ended up splitting the costs. My grandparents wanted a traditional Chinese meal at a Chinese restaurant; we ended up creating a fusion dish called “East Meets West Chicken” which was served with fried rice and oriental veggies at a beautiful ballroom.

But there are some things that a girl just should not have to compromise on such as the dress, hair and makeup. Damn, if people are telling you how to look on your big day, stand your ground. That is, provided you aren’t pulling a bridezilla move and blowing your whole budget on the dress.

Celebrate the Differences

The months leading up to the big day were hectic! But along the way my fiancé and I learned so much about each other such as how we handle stress, how to problem-solve together, and most importantly, how to press each other’s buttons. It was a time to learn about cultural traditions and figure out how exactly we would integrate two different cultures into one awesome wedding.

While I originally wanted an outdoor wedding, having the ceremony in a church was very important to my fiancé and his family. So we ended up finding a quaint church surrounded by a pretty park. My family wished to have some Chinese traditions included in the big day so after the ceremony and pictures we had a tea ceremony which is essentially a joining of two families in marriage and a sign of respect for the elders as we pour tea for them in exchange for lucky red pockets filled with money or gold jewelry. I wore a traditional Chinese red dress and my fiancé wore a silk mandarin-collared suit jacket.

We held the reception at a hotel which we decorated with stunning silk lanterns of all colors, and the favors for the guests were tiny takeout boxes containing fortune cookies with personalized messages. Since the reception was held in a ballroom complete with elaborate chandeliers and curtains, the room looked like a mash-up between Victorian elegance with a splash of the Orient.  For dinner we served our special “East Meets West” chicken and we went around toasting all of the 200 guests as is Chinese custom.

The day went off better than expected—the groom’s side of the family looked forward to a “different” wedding with the red dress and partaking in the tea ceremony. Many members of my family were tired of the same Chinese meal and looked forward to a change. Of course it helps if your guests are open to experiencing new things.

After the Party

While society has come a long way, an interracial marriage still raises eyebrows in some circles. My husband and I were very fortunate to have supportive and accepting family and friends. Planning a wedding which integrates aspects of two different cultures is a good start in sharing your life together. The two of you will create a new culture, one that blends the best of each.